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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.